Friday, February 28, 2014


Another little bit of flash fiction. This one is admittedly a bit silly. I've been working on the novel lately and that's quite dark so I needed to write something very different in tone. I hope you enjoy.

Cal was covered in green goo. Her short auburn hair was plastered to her head, the tshirt and shorts she wore were drenched in the substance and almost certainly ruined. It had slimed her, whatever it was, the moment she'd walked into the kitchen.

The smell was disgusting, like rotten onions and vomit. She hoped the smell was the worst of it and that she wouldn't be covered in boils later or start hallucinating like when that baby salamander had bitten her.

This was supposed to have been a simple job. A supposedly haunted house needed clearing, it sounded like nothing more than some minor elemental playing tricks. Air sprites enjoy pranks like moving furniture and whispering quotes from old horror movies. She'd once come across one who imitated Norman Bates while watching women shower at a hotel.

Instead of a sprite in need of a lecture on playing nice with humans she was faced with a thing that sprayed green ichor. If it wasn't for that habit, it might be considered cute. At least in the way those bizarre naked cats are. It sat hunched on the kitchen counter staring at her, a creature slightly larger than one of the capuchin monkeys Cal had seen at the zoo in Boston once. It resembled one too, if you shaved it, cut off the tail, and painted it a light olive green with faint stripes.

"Hi there," she said in the friendly tone she used on small children and strange dogs. "You don't have to be afraid of me. I'm not going to hurt you, but you need to leave the nice people who live here alone."

The creature didn't respond, it just kept looking at her with its yellow cat-like eyes. What is this thing?

Cal kept talking to it as she walked closer, keeping her right hand behind her back. She didn't want to have to use the enchanted net she held unless she had no other alternative. Another coating of slime did not appeal to her.

"A bloody kobold?" Lucas said from behind her.

The creature looked past her at the vampire and hissed. The gentle approach wasn’t going to work now. Cal swung her arm around to throw the net. Not fast enough. The kobold leaped from its perch and raced across the kitchen floor, heading for the door.

"Catch it!" she yelled to Lucas.

The vampire dove for the kobold, grabbing it by one leg. It twisted in his grip, spewing more of the foul smelling slime. Lucas’ quick reflexes saved him, and his clothes, from any slime.

“Hurry up and net it, this mess is slippery.”

Cal slipped twice in the green mucusy liquid now covering the floor as she made her way over to Lucas. The net closed around the kobold in an instant, the magic sealing it into a tight cocoon. She glared at both the creature and her spotless boyfriend.

The trapped creature writhed and struggled to get free but the net held. It screamed epithets in goblin at the pair who trapped it. Cal cringed and wished the spell over the net had included silence as well. She only knew the rudiments of the language but enough to know the kobold was calling her family, appearance, and sexual habits into question.

"We've caught it, now what?"

"I have no idea, but there is no way it's going in my jeep," Cal said.

"Your grandfather sent us out on this job and he just got a new pickup..."

Cal smiled. "I'll call him."